Kim Miles: I’ll Leave You With This…
Photo: Alana Sousa
Ultimately, I was found in Ulta
I got lost in an ULTA last week.
True story: I went in to go replace some perfume and somehow ended up in the fake lashes aisle and couldn’t find my way back to the perfumes. BTW: did you know that there are about 53 types of fake lashes for purchase? Don’t get me started on the various types of lash glue…
As I tried to make my way back to the fragrance section, I spent my time lost among the lashes and noticed a few flummoxing trends:
Why does everything that is marketed to the tween population smell like fruit wrapped in sugar wrapped in syrup hidden inside a food combo I’ve never heard of? Case in point: One popular brand I found is marketed by what number fragrance you are wearing. One number is described as smelling like a “warm gourmand” with notes of pistachio, almond, vanilla, salted caramel…and sandalwood. Um, that’s a whole lot o’ flavors in a tiny bottle.
This just in: did you know that it is no
longer enough to just wash your face? First you need to apply a fancy oil to disintegrate all those layers of makeup you’re wearing. Then you need to wash your face with a cleanser. And, heaven forbid you dry your face with a washcloth! Washcloths are apparently the devil and have been replaced with very expensive paper towels that come in designer boxes. After you dry your face with a $5.00 paper towel, you will need to delicately dab your skin with a serum, spray your face with a cocktail spritz that smells like a Piña Colada, pat your face with yet another $5.00 paper towel and then, and only then, is your face ready for moisturizer. (My editor didn’t allow enough word count for me to get into the moisturizer regimen.)
When did lip oil replace lip gloss which replaced lip glass which replaced lip balm? I miss Susie Chapstick.
I’ve always thought that getting a manicure was a little luxury. Apparently, at ULTA, you can shop for someone else’s nails entirely. Or someone else’s hands, for that matter. For example, there are press-on nails, nail stickers, and don’t forget nail art. Want nails that double as weapons? ULTA’s got it. Want nails that are a color that isn’t found in nature? ULTA’s got that, too. Want to press stickers onto your nails so that when you go to the bathroom you lose them all while pulling up your jeans? Sold.
Have you ever wanted to replace one of your makeup brushes? I wasn’t told that you need a PhD and an Excel spreadsheet to maneuver this aisle. Your choices: contour, highlighter, blush, powder, foundation, concealer, slanted, pointed, fluffy, rounded, flat-top, paddle…again, not enough word count.
Glitter freckles, anyone? That’s just one of the many featured items in the section dedicated to “Festival Inspo & Essentials.” Not exactly sure what is considered “essential” when going to a festival (other than a lot of delicious smelling hand sanitizer, sold at ULTA, of course) but you can find glitter freckles, face gems, AND please don’t forget about the body shimmer. You’ll find it next to the wash out hair color.
MEN! YOU HAVEN’T BEEN FORSAKEN AT ULTA! Have a beard? How about a 2-in-1 beard and facial wash? If you aren’t partial to beard balm, they’ve got you covered with beard oil. And my personal favorite, beard butter. YUM.
Perhaps the most interesting observation was in the men’s section. Many, if not most, of their choices were marketed as “2-in-1” or “3-in-1” product solutions. I think the one that piqued my interest the most was the “3-in-1 Tea Tree Shampoo, Conditioner, and Body Wash.” I’ll just leave that right here for your contemplation.
*It should be noted that the men’s section was small, perhaps just a few aisles of real estate. But the way I see it, that’s just an interesting metaphor for life in general as the shoe is often on the other foot. Amirite ladies?
I’ll leave you with this…
I did eventually find my way back to the perfume aisle and am proud to say that I completed my purchase. However, it wasn’t before I realized that I had spent close to an hour and a half wandering around that carefully curated labyrinth of a sweet-smelling, glittering, albeit confusing store. Hats off to the retailers and merchandisers; upon checkout, you are forced to enter a Disney-esque line which is jam-packed with all sorts of cute, mini-sized items that you truly DO. NOT. NEED.
I purchased eight of them.
Kim is on Instagram @kimmilesinheels Visit MilesInHeels.com.
