Yvonne Clarke is worthy

Photos: Stephanie C. Olsen

By Yvonne Clarke

It was June 1998; I had a new job as a secretary at a local hospital. I had been working there for less than six months, but I was feeling fatigued, nauseated, and was vomiting. I brushed it off thinking it was because I was working two jobs, hanging out with friends, and not getting enough rest. I thought that I had the flu because I was burning the candle at both ends. What else could it be?

I made an appointment with my doctor to have a check-up, but continued to get up and make it to work. Then I got the call.

“You don’t have the flu, you are pregnant.”

I know my face had that blank, “that’s impossible” look.

In shock, I hung up the phone and began talking to myself. I’m pregnant, but how did this happen? What am I going to do? I’m with someone who I know I may not have a future with.

Two months into the pregnancy and I was throwing up more than 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to make sure I didn’t rupture the lining and that there was enough water around the baby. Then came the ultrasound that put my whole life into panic mode.

There were two babies in my belly.

Again, that blank, “that’s impossible” look.

Impossible it was not. Rare, it was. My babies were mono-di twins, a common type of identical twins. They shared a single placenta but had their own amniotic sacs. On that visit I was also diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), gestational diabetes, and considered overweight because I was 210 pounds. I could not keep any fluids or food in my stomach. They had to put a PICC line placement in my arm to feed me intravenously from 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.

I was put on bedrest and needed round the clock care, so I moved in with my dad and stepmom. All I could think about as I lay in bed was what the heck did I get myself into? I was so scared, I began to get anxious about being pregnant. I felt alone, and I did not trust that I was worthy enough to be a great mom.

***

I left my mother’s home in Los Angeles when I was 14 years old. I moved back to Boston to live with my father. That raw age when I thought I was “grown up” and knew it all. Can you relate? I had an answer for everything, including what my parents told me not to do. Adulthood sounded enticing to me; living on my own with no rules. “I can’t wait to get older, move out of this house, and live on my own with no curfew, and no chores!” Throughout my teenage years (my rebellious years) I was always on punishment for bad grades or talking back or doing whatever I wanted.

I was raised in single-family homes. I was three years old when my parents separated. My parents instilled in me values, rules, and responsibilities. They created traditions, built memories, and taught me to be productive and to navigate the world.

My mom and dad were teenagers when they got married, and had me when she was 21 years old and he was 22. Being a teenager in the ‘80s was totally different than when my parents were teenagers in the ‘60s. I was born in 1967. Back then, children were seen and not heard. Times were different then and long conversations were not a common occurrence.

When I was a teenager looking at my mom or dad lecture me, this is the way I did this! It just made me want to grow up faster and move out of the house. Once I had the basic tools to think for myself, my parents stepped back. I wanted to be able to make my own mistakes and learn from them. During my teenage years, I vowed to be the best parent I could be, if I ever had children, and I was unsure if I could meet the task.

I would also tell my best friends, family members—anyone that would listen to me—that I didn’t think I would have kids, I would just be the babysitter of their children. My adult mind looks back and realizes it was fear of the unknown and wondering if I could be a good parent.

***

For a total of seven months, I did what the doctors wanted me to do. But at 35 weeks, my water broke at 10:15 p.m. Shit got real for me. My family, friends, and the twins’ dad got me to the hospital safely by 10:50 p.m. I was in labor until 5:30 p.m. the next day and at 5:38 p.m. my “TwinBlessings” were born. I was so happy but extremely scared. My preemie twins were whisked away to be checked and cleaned up while I was taken to my room. They weighed in at 4 pounds 11ounces and 5 pounds 4 ounces. It seemed like forever before I got to hold my TwinBlessings. I looked at those beautiful perfect little babies and said to myself, “Yvonne, you are blessed and have been given a great responsibility by being the gatekeeper to these two beautiful baby girls.”

Once I was discharged the real work started. To say I was scared is an understatement. What a challenge! It seemed like they were hungry every hour or less. I breastfed plus supplemented with formula. No sleep, colic, and crying for four months—for any of us. Guilt and doubt because I thought I was not doing a good job.

Raising my beautiful TwinBlessings was not easy as a single mom. I struggled a lot financially, mentally, and emotionally. I cried a lot, I second-guessed myself. What’s my purpose in life? Am I a good mother?

When the twins were three years old, I enrolled in an accelerated satellite program at the University of Phoenix, in Braintree, Massachusetts. That was September 2002. I went at night for four years and graduated with my Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Management in May 2006. Then, I enrolled in another accelerated program in September 2006 and graduated with my Master of Science Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy in May 2009. Today, I am pursuing my PhD in Industrial Organizational Psychology. I want my TwinBlessings to be proud of me and see what they can accomplish as well.

My TwinBlessings are now 26 years old. I believe that I have instilled core values for them to be productive citizens. I raised them to have a relationship with God, to have a good moral compass, to be respectful, responsible, honest, trustworthy, kind, loving, humble, and know when to give others grace. They each hold a Bachelor of Science Degree in Animal Science and are currently enrolled in an accelerated online degree program for their Master of Science Degree in Animal Science. They are striving to become Doctors of Veterinary Medicine and own their own animal shelter and hospital. I’m so proud of the women they have become, and seeing them achieve their goals makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

I wasn’t handed a parent handbook, I learned as I went. I think as parents we can either use some of the values and rules our parents instilled in us or we can incorporate new rules and instill different values in our children. We have family meetings, and I ask if there is anything I can do better as their mother. They always tell me I’m doing a great job as their mother. I love being the gatekeeper of my beautiful, sassy, intelligent, lovable, hardworking, creative, honest, and resilient TwinBlessings.

Yvonne A. Clarke has been a mental health and marriage and family therapist for 16 years. She is passionate about helping others, making sure our children continue to be great and grow up to be productive adults. She enjoys fitness, spending quality time with her twin daughters, her two dogs, family, and friends. She loves to travel. “Most importantly,” says Yvonne, “I love spending some ME-Time incorporating self-care regiments for myself.”